Independence

Being the only single girl in my immediate friend group, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure sometimes. Unlike my friends, I haven’t yet managed to lock down a guy (or girl) that is will commit to me. I’d mentally line myself up against them asking “what are the qualities they have that I don’t enabling them to find love?” For months after my last relationship, I’d do this. I’d sit at home alone on a Friday night, envisioning then cuddled up on the couch with their significant others. I third, fifth, even seventh wheeled along on outings, continue to internalizing these feelings of inadequacy. I started to project these feelings onto them, fictionalizing their internal dialogues. “Oh well Phoebe HAD a boyfriend, but turns out he wasn’t all that into her…”. I couldn’t turn off these thoughts. Instead of being able to embrace a very sacred time in my life, I felt like an un-finished puzzle. I started to think without a relationship, I couldn’t possibly be whole.

It’s only recently I’ve realized how wrong I am in thinking that way. A relationship should never be a means to complete yourself. I’d need to find those missing puzzle pieces on my own before I could ever be in a healthy relationship. This is when I flipped my way of thinking. I’ve spent the past few weeks realizing how great I really have it. Being single doesn’t mean I’m lonely and unfulfilled. If anything, it’s the complete opposite. I’ve realized what I need to feel complete isn’t external, it’s a process that starts within. I’m taking more time to do the things that I want to do. I’m going to Yoga classes, writing more, traveling, going to movies, and surrounding myself with beautiful places – even if those are right down the street. I never have to do anything I don’t want to do, and have essentially zero obligations to anyone. It’s fucking amazing. I admit, I’ve got a lot of work to be done before I can fully commit to another person. And to be honest, I’m in no rush. I’m busy learning to love myself.

I went on the worst date of my life, and now I spend everyday with him.

I have a story to tell. Before I tell that story, I’d like to get something off my chest. I’ve been a “blogger” for one week, and man shit is STRESSFUL. First of all, I’m filled with regret for the stupid domain name I just paid $40 for. Why didn’t I give it more thought? Fox Muse? It sounds like a fucking animal-watching blog. Whatever. Impulsivity has always been my biggest downfall. Secondly, how do I get people to read this? I’m curating all this content, now what? I’m really awful at this marketing aspect. I’m not ready to tie this to my real identity, so social media marketing is off the table. Oh well. As I mentioned in my first post, I’m doing this for “me” (insert cliche tone here). Now, onto the story.

Continue reading “I went on the worst date of my life, and now I spend everyday with him.”