Being the only single girl in my immediate friend group, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure sometimes. Unlike my friends, I haven’t yet managed to lock down a guy (or girl) that is will commit to me. I’d mentally line myself up against them asking “what are the qualities they have that I don’t enabling them to find love?” For months after my last relationship, I’d do this. I’d sit at home alone on a Friday night, envisioning then cuddled up on the couch with their significant others. I third, fifth, even seventh wheeled along on outings, continue to internalizing these feelings of inadequacy. I started to project these feelings onto them, fictionalizing their internal dialogues. “Oh well Phoebe HAD a boyfriend, but turns out he wasn’t all that into her…”. I couldn’t turn off these thoughts. Instead of being able to embrace a very sacred time in my life, I felt like an un-finished puzzle. I started to think without a relationship, I couldn’t possibly be whole.
It’s only recently I’ve realized how wrong I am in thinking that way. Continue reading “Independence”