Independence

Being the only single girl in my immediate friend group, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure sometimes. Unlike my friends, I haven’t yet managed to lock down a guy (or girl) that is will commit to me. I’d mentally line myself up against them asking “what are the qualities they have that I don’t enabling them to find love?” For months after my last relationship, I’d do this. I’d sit at home alone on a Friday night, envisioning then cuddled up on the couch with their significant others. I third, fifth, even seventh wheeled along on outings, continue to internalizing these feelings of inadequacy. I started to project these feelings onto them, fictionalizing their internal dialogues. “Oh well Phoebe HAD a boyfriend, but turns out he wasn’t all that into her…”. I couldn’t turn off these thoughts. Instead of being able to embrace a very sacred time in my life, I felt like an un-finished puzzle. I started to think without a relationship, I couldn’t possibly be whole.

It’s only recently I’ve realized how wrong I am in thinking that way. A relationship should never be a means to complete yourself. I’d need to find those missing puzzle pieces on my own before I could ever be in a healthy relationship. This is when I flipped my way of thinking. I’ve spent the past few weeks realizing how great I really have it. Being single doesn’t mean I’m lonely and unfulfilled. If anything, it’s the complete opposite. I’ve realized what I need to feel complete isn’t external, it’s a process that starts within. I’m taking more time to do the things that I want to do. I’m going to Yoga classes, writing more, traveling, going to movies, and surrounding myself with beautiful places – even if those are right down the street. I never have to do anything I don’t want to do, and have essentially zero obligations to anyone. It’s fucking amazing. I admit, I’ve got a lot of work to be done before I can fully commit to another person. And to be honest, I’m in no rush. I’m busy learning to love myself.